


More Than Fine

by electrictoes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 22.07 Hunt Trap Rape and Release, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Feelings, that episode title is horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrictoes/pseuds/electrictoes
Summary: Coda to 22.07 - After Amanda's gone home and Sonny finds out what happened in the bar.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 12
Kudos: 72





	More Than Fine

**Author's Note:**

> This was a half-formed idea in my head but I built on it after a scene prompt from Mia on the SVU discord (thank you!)

Amanda was curled up on the couch, Frannie’s head resting on her lap. Once Moldovan had been arrested, she had come straight home – she had shrugged off Fin and Kat when they asked if she was okay, if she wanted a ride home. She was _fine_. Or so she told herself. All she had wanted was to be with her children – when Moldovan had said she could tell him about the girls she had felt real terror, the threat that had lingered behind his words had cut straight to the heart of her – and even once it was over, once she knew there was no harm coming their way, she had just needed to see them, needed to know for certain. They were both asleep by the time she got back, of course, but Amanda had allowed herself several minutes standing in their doorway watching them– Billie snoring in her crib, Jesse’s little hands curled up tight around her favourite stuffed giraffe. She had kissed both their heads, smiling down at them, before leaving them to their sleep.

Once she was satisfied that they were safe and unharmed, she’d poured a glass of wine and moved to the couch, looking for some mind numbing show to keep her distracted until she was tired enough to sleep. She hadn’t even touched the wine – she was still very much on edge, unable to fully relax - and when she heard a key in her apartment door she leapt to her feet, startling Frannie, who jumped off the couch, moving herself between Amanda and the door; barely a second later Sonny came around the corner, holding his hands up in surrender – Frannie lay down on the floor, satisfied that there was no danger, and she would’ve laughed if her heart hadn’t been beating so damn fast.

“Woah, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“You didn’t,” she lied. “I was just…” she gestured vaguely at the kitchen before sitting back down; she knew he wasn’t fooled for a second. “What are you doing here?”

He stepped closer to the couch but didn’t join her; he stood a few feet away, hands on his hips – his face lined with worry and anger; enough that she knew what was coming before he said it. “Well, seeing as I had to find out from Fin that Moldovan _pulled a_ _gun_ on you, I thought I’d better come by for myself and see if you were okay.”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, Carisi. It was nothing.”

His posture didn’t change, frustration still evidence on his face.“Nothin’ huh?”

“Yeah, he had a gun, but so did I, I wasn’t in any danger. It’s not even worth thinking about.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d be like _this_.”

“Like _what_? Worried about you? Am I not allowed to worry now?”

“Jesus, Carisi, you’re overreacting,” she ran a hand through her hair. “And will you sit down? You’re driving me nuts standing there.”

He sighed, and moved to the arm chair, sitting across from her and leaning forward, arms resting on his knees. “Amanda, he pulled his gun out and tried to force you out to your car – who knows what he would’ve done next. You _could have died_.”

“But I didn’t.”

“That doesn’t mean it was nothing, it doesn’t mean it didn’t shake you up.”

“I’m a cop, Carisi! These things happen sometimes, it’s part of the job – or have you forgotten that?”

“That’s not gonna work with me – I’ve had a gun to my head before, I know that doesn’t stop scaring the hell outta you just because you step away from it without gettin’ shot.”

Amanda knew that it was true – she knew that he’d been in situations like this before; but he was more open to admitting his fears than she was, and she knew that she had made it out of far worse than Moldovan’s stand off today.

“Carisi, I told you I was fine, why can’t you just drop it?”

“Because if you were fine you would’ve told me – you would’ve come to the bar with Fin and Kat. Look, I know you don’t like talking about this, I know you think that being scared or anxious makes you weak. And I know things are different now. When we were partners, you didn’t have to come find me afterwards; I didn’t have to wait for you to _say_ you’d had a bad day, because I was right there with you-”

“Well you made that bed, _Counsellor_ , so don’t come crying to me now.”

“Here we go again. We’ve talked about this, and you can’t just bring it up every time you want to push me away.”

“I’m not pushing you away.”

“You are,” he said, he looked down to his feet, taking a deep breath before his eyes met hers again. “Amanda, I don’t wanna argue with you, I just want to know you’re alright.”

“And I said I’m fine.”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow, nodding towards the tv. “You sitting up on the couch, drinking wine and watching crap this late because you’re fine?”

“Sonny, I don’t want to argue with you either. I’m tired, it’s been a long day and I just wanted to switch off for a while. What happened with Moldovan was intense in the moment, but it only lasted a second, he didn’t touch me and so there’s nothing to worry about. We’ve all been through worse.”

“No, no, don’t play this down.” He dropped his head again, talking to his feet rather than meeting her eye. “I don’t want you to pretend like this isn’t a big deal, not when he could’ve-”

There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke again, this time looking up, his voice shaking. “Amanda, I could’ve lost you.”

Amanda swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat, she leant forward on the coach, reaching out to grip his arm. “You didn’t lose me, I’m right here.”

There were tears in Sonny’s eyes now; he was trying not to let them fall, and he swallowed before speaking again. “I don’t know what I’d have done if he…” He clenched his fists together, anger coursing through him. He was shaking and she pulled at his arm, bringing his right hand up to hold in hers.

“Hey, are you okay?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not. I had to sit there with Fin and Kat filling me in on what happened – talkin’ like they figured I already knew because you should’ve told me, and I had to keep it together because I’m not supposed to-”

“Carisi…” she said, pressing her lips to the back of his hand. Seeing him like this, so cut up at the thought of her being in danger, it only brought her own emotions to the surface, and she gripped his hand tighter in hers. “Sonny, don’t.”

He looked up at her, and she knew he could see the unshed tears she was holding back. “I had to see you, I had to know if you were…”

She shook her head, finally releasing the panic she’d been pushing down for hours. She let go of his hand and pressed both of her palms to her eyes, pushing away the tears. “No, no I’m not,” she admitted. “I was so scared – I knew that Fin and Kat were there, but all it would’ve taken was a second and… since Bucci, that fear in the back of my head, it hasn’t gone away. Moldovan told me he wanted a lift home and I thought that was it – we were gonna get in the car and if I wasn’t quick enough it was all going south and I wasn’t coming home to the girls, to you.”

She was shaking herself now, all the tension she’d been holding onto since the moment she read Moldovan’s text was coming to the surface. Sonny moved to sit beside her on the couch, his arm coming around her shoulders, drawing her close to him.

“Hey, hey, c’mere. Come on.”

She let herself cry into his chest; she didn’t know how long they were there, how long he held her without speaking or expecting her to continue; she breathed in the scent of his cologne, felt his arms around her and knew she was safe. When her tears began to subside she lifted her head, looking up at him; he looked as drained as she felt, and she gripped onto his hands as she pulled out of their embrace.

“I don’t sleep, Sonny. When you’re not here I just stare at the damn ceiling – I’m jumping at shadows in my own apartment and it’s been months. I should be fine by now.”

“Hey, there’s no timeline for this sort of thing. You can’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.”

“When I saw Moldovan’s gun today, I was back in that moment in Hanover’s office – trying to talk my way out of a situation that I knew could be it… and I was terrified that this time it would be – I got out unscathed once, it couldn’t happen a second time.”

“You’re safe now,” he said. “And I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time. I just got so worried when Fin told me – it felt like Bucci all over again for me too – it’s not the same, not like it was for you, but when I realised you’d been in that situation and not told me, I thought maybe you were going to push yourself too far. I thought you were going to shut me out, or shut down on me altogether.”

“I should’ve called you; but I wanted to forget about it, I just wanted to be okay – to shrug it off and carry on with my job.”

“It’s okay to not be fine all of the time, Amanda. It’s okay to reach out – and I’m always going to be there when you do, but it doesn’t have to be me, just so long as you let people in.”

“I’m trying, Sonny.”

“I know,” he squeezed her hands gently in his. “And you’ve just got to give yourself time to process the things that have happened to you.”

“What am I meant to do until then? I’m a cop – I’m never not going to be putting myself in those situations. So what happens the next time a perp pulls a gun on me? Do I go to pieces then? I can’t.”

“Maybe you start by not hiding stuff from the people that love you,” he said, and her heartbeat sped up; they hadn’t said that yet, _love_ ; sure, she felt it, but they had a good thing going and she wasn’t ready to risk it. His cheeks were flushed, as though he’d just realised what he was admitting to, and he gently pulled his hands from hers, leaning back against the couch and tilting his head towards her. “And maybe I sleep over more often, yeah?”

She pressed a kiss to his cheek and dropped her head to his shoulder; they sat there for a while, both emotionally spent and tired after another stressful week. She took his left hand in her right, and idly played with his fingers – it was quiet, but comfortable, and she let herself relax a little, let her guard down because she knew he was there and he had always got her back.

He broke the silence a while later, a smile on his face as he leaned away so that he could look at her; she grumbled at the movement, resting her head against the back of the couch.

“Hey, so Kat said you clocked him pretty good,” he said, and she laughed – this was what she needed – now that she was all cried out, she could take a moment to look back on the things that had gone right.

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

He grinned. “You know I kind of miss that.”

“What?”

“Seeing you all… ” he gestured vaguely with his hands.

“All what? Violent?” She shook her head at him.

“What?” He was still smiling, “I’m just saying I’ve always admired how well you handle yourself.”

“Admired, huh?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s kinda-” he raised an eyebrow suggestively and she resisted the temptation to laugh at him.

“Oh yeah?” She leaned in to kiss the smirk off his face and he let her – it’s a brief reprieve from the tension – she knew this would all come back again the next morning, when there would be statements to be finished and reports to be written, but she allowed herself this time to set aside her worries.

He kissed her back tenderly, there was no hurry in his kiss, nothing demanding; it was just a moment together. When he drew back he smiled down at her.

“Seriously though, the thought of you in that situation in the first place… that’s what keeps me up at night, you know?”

“What, thinkin’ about me tackling bad guys?” She was teasing him and he groaned.

“Not like _that_ , Rollins, you’re killing me here. I’m bein’ serious.”

“Okay.”

“I worry,” he held up a hand, “I know, I know, I’m a worrier, but with you… I know you’re amazing at your job, I know you can handle yourself better than half of the guys on the NYPD, but when Fin told me what happened, the thought of how it could’ve turned out differently. I don’t ever want to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Sonny,” she pressed her lips to his again, “Today was a bad day, but I’m okay – I’m going to be okay.”

“You better be,” he said, “Because I’ve got big plans for our future and you can’t mess them up by getting yourself killed.”

She knew he was only half joking – she knew they were going to have to find a way through days like these – but if there was anything that didn’t scare her half as much as she would’ve expected, it was Sonny’s _future plans_ ; those she was not afraid of.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> This isn’t betaed and I edited it on my phone so any typos or errors are 100% on me!


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